Lackadasical's Xanga

Friday, June 24, 2005

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 13:20:38 GMT

Please just kill the drama. That is the last thing I need right now. Apparently, a certain someone took things out of proportion and went above and beyond to no longer consider me a friend. I am dead to this person, which is fine. How did this person make a mountain out of a molehill? One mistake was made and all of a sudden, the atomic bomb is dropped.

Everything said yesterday was immature, I take the fall for my part. They may take theirs if they know they mistakes. It puzzles me how something so little turned into something so big, something that became betrayal. Obviously, I was not meant to cross paths with this someone. I sensed that I might do something to spark the plug. That's what happened, the bomb dropped and now ties are cut. Should I be in a position of lonliness, anger, and sadness? I cannot mourn such a sad cause because it was never worth the tears. Losing someone over something little is not worth the pain to go through.

I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have problems and I do not need to seek out the aid of a pill to change my mood. My thinking is not linear, I can find other solutions to problems and explore options. I may be in college and you may say it really does not matter. You may have your street smarts, but how is that going to get you anywhere you want to be? Good luck with that, it can only take you so far. We all know that we desire the best from life and I don't know if you live up to that. I may not know exactly in what direction I would like to go now, but at least I have more of option to find that something.

I am not going to sit here and dwell. You say how miserable my life is going to be. That's fine, I am officially finished with discussing you and you may still be dwelling on me. To each his own, but if you are going to cut me out of your life be done and move on. Obviously, you are the one who is the child here, I should not have even relayed messages to you back and forth. I, unfortunately, stooped to your level and played your game. I should not have even bothered, I should have let it be. You should too, if I am dead to you. How will you make my life a living hell? Try as you must, I will come out above you and show you who's the mature person in this battle you claim. You can attempt to do anything to make me miserable. Is that all you have to do? It's ok, do what you want as I have said before. A more mature approach would be that you and I part ways. I have. I hold no grudges, I realized that. If you hold grudges forever, you've pretty much made your life a living hell. To you I say, don't dwell, move on.

If ever in another lifetime, which you think is never, you find it in your heart to forgive me, I could not. Your approach to such a petty situation became too big. Now that is what I call juvenile. You may physically be an adult, but you are still a child inside too. I admit that I am not perfect and I know I have problems. I may need to see a therapist, but I know I don't need an outside source to aid me in happiness. Happiness should come naturally, not artificially. I know for a fact I could not forgive, not based on what happened in the duration of a night, but simply because of the actions you decided to take. No chances given, even then I still could not accept you as friend. If that were to happen in another lifetime. To you I say, I am NOW officially through.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 13:10:11 GMT

Sometimes I wonder why I have friends who won't leave me alone. It used to be so easy to ignore them but how can I now that they aren't too far from me? I can deal with shutting off the phone but going beyond that means is too much for me to handle. I understand that they care so much for my well being and I appreciate that very much. I just cannot grasp the concept that you are there for me all the time, every time. It scares me to know that you care for me so much that you go beyond your means to know that I am okay. Yes, I am okay, nothing happened last night. It was a beautiful evening but it ended too soon. I am sorry for not clarifying my whereabouts exactly. I should've relayed the message across all people, but that was my mistake. I will take the fall for it. I'm sorry to be irate with you, but it comes to natural to me, although you are very right to tell me what I did wrong. I am sorry to have pushed you away but I was not in the mood to listen to you lecture me. The one thing I did not want and I told you that. I push you away, you keep trying to reach me. All I do is ignore you and as much as I deeply care for your concerns, I do not want to hear them at this moment. Just let me be, for once, let me be. I know that you are just trying to protect me, but please LET ME MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES and LET ME TAKE THE FALL for them. I understand the world is supposed to be "big and scary," but how am I supposed to know if I am smothered with protection? I can only handle so much, sometimes you go beyond your limits. I know you may think I haven't much knowledge with that, but I think I am capable of taking care of myself. So please, hear my cry and give that independence I yearn for.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Mon, 09 May 2005 12:22:25 GMT

I hate Aunt Flo dropping by for the month. She's a nuisance, but I will have to deal with her for the years ahead...joy...

I started to have a meltdown and it keeps fluctuating from high to low. I really can't stand it because I thought that part of me was gone. Apparently, it has decided to creep up on me without notice. I worry that I might have a psychological disorder but that could be the psychological education getting into my head. Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist, but then again I'm afraid to set foot through the door. I know that's one of the first steps in doing something or admitting to it.

Well, friends say there is nothing wrong, but you know damn well deep inside something is causing you aching pains that lead to physiological ones. As much as your friends know about you, they don't know the pain you hold inside. That is because you choose to bottle those emotions and let them build up until that cork on the bottle is ready to explode. It's not a good thing to do because people crack and let all their demons out in a fit of rage. I was there and I have a feeling that I'm still there. I'm afraid to admit anything, therefore, I hide what I am really feeling. I put up a facade everyday to prevent any talking or pity from others. The one thing I don't like is being the center of attention. I feel crowded and trapped. I am the little girl curled up in a fetal position sitting in the corner.

I want to be free from what is holding me back. It is hard to let go and open up. I know that once you open up, you're supposed to feel better. My problem is the suppression that I carry with me. I find that telling people how I feel is a burden. When they ask, I find an excuse for it, sometimes it works and most times, it does not.

Just to my luck, my laptop breaks down on me. Now, I have to take it back to CompUSA to figure what's wrong with it. Then, if it is reformatted, I have to put everything back and some of the things on their cannot be replaced, i.e. pictures. Another thing to add to my pile of things to do today. This day was intended to be spent with people, but like always, I have a back up plan or can formulate one.

Just when I thought life was going so well, I get a boulder thrown onto the path of my life. I'm stuck until I can find a way to move it out of the way. I question myself, do I belong here? Are these the right people for me? Is this the right environment for me? I thought everything was going smoothly. I've grown to love and appreciate this city. There is enough exploration for a lifetime. Everything I thought I needed is here. Why do I feel like I seem to be out of place? I believed life was set on the right path and happiness was there everyday. We all have our downs, I did and still do too. I'm not perfect, no one is. It is the flaws that make a person worthy of knowing. Without flaw, life would be boring and there would be no reason for improvement.

I just wished this would go away. Breaking through is not easy. I thought I could get rid of this feeling in a day, I was wrong. I want someone to hear my cry for help. Release me from the pain I feel and hide inside. Get rid of the demons that haunt me before I start inflicting external/physical pain.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Wed, 04 May 2005 04:10:42 GMT

Cheer up Emo kid(s)!

Apparently, this day has a mix of emotion. It was a very bipolar day. From the ups and of course the downs. From mania to depression, I could go on forever but I think I shall stop there.
I can't say I have a screwed up life. Everyone does in there own way. People get so down and they signify there problems, but if you think about it, someone has experienced what you are going through at the moment. Don't feel so down. Yes, they say the world tries to eat you alive, but that's because you let it. So take it by the hand and shape it to your well-being.
This morning was a sad day. I went to my internship for the last time. I did that damn thing. Just kidding, I did the usual routine. I'll miss the playground, the swings, I'm glad I don't have to push the kids on swings anymore. I love them dearly, I wish I could place them in my pocket and take them home. We all must move on, but I will never ever forget them and the staff. Everyone has been so wonderful to me and I could not be anymore greatful. You can make a difference in a child's life and at the same time they make a difference in yours. I love reciprocal learning.
After sadly departing from the center, I picked up Joe and headed to the trailers for the sake of retrieving Travis. He wasn't ready, procrastinator. (Love you though!) This part of the day was the bipolar day. It was something else...
Travis is getting me Coach Scribble pillows. I can't wait!
So as time goes, I don't exactly record every little detail in a day. It would kill imagination, some take it too far. Those few just can not help themselves. Not everything has to be in a perverted context. Everyone should sit back and relax. Enjoy the moment for it may disappear.
I think I've said enough for the night, I got philosophical. It happens sometimes.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 17:42:04 GMT

Oooooooh, awwwwwwwwwe, I've finally decided to type some poo on this thing. Today is my last day here in UNF until the fall semester rolls around. I'll be on and off here in the summer, maybe. Can't wait to enjoy that much long awaited vacation.

I talked to Brian last night who is in Ohio for a week. That's a week too long. I love Travis to death but he was hogging the phone I got Brian so I never had a chance to talk to him until last night. I cried on the phone because I wish his butt was back here again. Come to think of it, I never cried for my former best friend when he was away. I cried once when with the X-best friend when I thought he was parting ways with me. Moving along, I do miss Brian dearly. He's not only the BEST damn friend in the world, but he's also my security blanket. Just knowing his presence is here makes me feel secure. I feel like a jello mold. Wobbling back and forth and side to side. Then again I am that jello mold. Har, har, har...So again, moving along, some people apparently had subscribed to me. I don't even know who the hell they are. Weird? Usually either no one reads this poo or no one subscribes. Eh, I don't prefer to go around "e-propping" people so there you have it.

Honestly, I don't have that many friends. That's a pretty sad thing, but the friends that I do have, have stuck by me forever. Those are the ones worth keeping in my pocket. Kidding about the pocket thing. I guess I am just insecure to go out there and put my self in the spotlight. I never want to be the center of attention. It scares me when everyone looks at me and I definitely don't want to be talked about in a negative way. If I do something that ruins me, I don't know what I could do. I would just rather be the girl who sits in the corner or just be a person who comes and goes. A life of solitude is fine by me. All I need is a dog, got that picked out and all, even the name. I just need $1500 to get one along with the baggage that comes with the doggy. I know that this dog will be spoiled, but definitely not lazy.

I think I have said enough. In a few minutes is my final. Yay for me...

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 04:56:10 GMT

"Naive Orleans"

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing

And I finally found that life goes on without you
And my world still turns when you're not around

Is this the way you want it?
Is this the way it has to be?
Sitting here beside you
But my heart's lost in New Orleans
Dreams come clever
Hearts now severed
Difference of forever
And I am lost there

Come and go now as you please
Your actions write the melodies
To the songs that we sing
And you just sing along out loud

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 13:24:34 GMT

I should update this thing but then again no one reads it...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 05:48:39 GMT

Can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way?

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 18:54:21 GMT

When the sun came up,
We we're sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we we're dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,
And we're keeping it,
Keeping it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything,
we're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 01:58:09 GMT

Happy Birthday Ashley.

You're 16.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET A JOB!