| | I hate Aunt Flo dropping by for the month. She's a nuisance, but I will have to deal with her for the years ahead...joy...
I started to have a meltdown and it keeps fluctuating from high to
low. I really can't stand it because I thought that part of me
was gone. Apparently, it has decided to creep up on me without
notice. I worry that I might have a psychological disorder but
that could be the psychological education getting into my head.
Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist, but then again I'm
afraid to set foot through the door. I know that's one of the
first steps in doing something or admitting to it.
Well, friends say there is nothing wrong, but you know damn well deep
inside something is causing you aching pains that lead to physiological
ones. As much as your friends know about you, they don't know the
pain you hold inside. That is because you choose to bottle those
emotions and let them build up until that cork on the bottle is ready
to explode. It's not a good thing to do because people crack and
let all their demons out in a fit of rage. I was there and I have
a feeling that I'm still there. I'm afraid to admit anything,
therefore, I hide what I am really feeling. I put up a facade
everyday to prevent any talking or pity from others. The one
thing I don't like is being the center of attention. I feel
crowded and trapped. I am the little girl curled up in a fetal
position sitting in the corner.
I want to be free from what is holding me back. It is hard to let
go and open up. I know that once you open up, you're supposed to
feel better. My problem is the suppression that I carry with
me. I find that telling people how I feel is a burden. When
they ask, I find an excuse for it, sometimes it works and most times,
it does not.
Just to my luck, my laptop breaks down on me. Now, I have to take
it back to CompUSA to figure what's wrong with it. Then, if it is
reformatted, I have to put everything back and some of the things on
their cannot be replaced, i.e. pictures. Another thing to add to
my pile of things to do today. This day was intended to be spent
with people, but like always, I have a back up plan or can formulate
one.
Just when I thought life was going so well, I get a boulder thrown onto
the path of my life. I'm stuck until I can find a way to move it
out of the way. I question myself, do I belong here? Are
these the right people for me? Is this the right environment for
me? I thought everything was going smoothly. I've grown to
love and appreciate this city. There is enough exploration for a
lifetime. Everything I thought I needed is here. Why do I
feel like I seem to be out of place? I believed life was set on
the right path and happiness was there everyday. We all have our
downs, I did and still do too. I'm not perfect, no one is.
It is the flaws that make a person worthy of knowing. Without
flaw, life would be boring and there would be no reason for improvement.
I just wished this would go away. Breaking through is not
easy. I thought I could get rid of this feeling in a day, I was
wrong. I want someone to hear my cry for help. Release me
from the pain I feel and hide inside. Get rid of the demons that
haunt me before I start inflicting external/physical pain.
|
| | Posted 5/9/2005 9:22 AM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- share
- email
 - sent0
|
