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Lackadasical
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Name: Theresa
Country: United States
State: Florida
Birthday: 10/12/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: Shop...sleep...shop...sleep..technical jargon
Expertise: Student @ UNF (fun!)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Member Since:
2/9/2004
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| Please just kill the drama. That is the last thing I need right
now. Apparently, a certain someone took things out of proportion
and went above and beyond to no longer consider me a friend. I am
dead to this person, which is fine. How did this person make a
mountain out of a molehill? One mistake was made and all of a
sudden, the atomic bomb is dropped.
Everything said yesterday was immature, I take the fall for my
part. They may take theirs if they know they mistakes. It
puzzles me how something so little turned into something so big,
something that became betrayal. Obviously, I was not meant to
cross paths with this someone. I sensed that I might do something
to spark the plug. That's what happened, the bomb dropped and now
ties are cut. Should I be in a position of lonliness, anger, and
sadness? I cannot mourn such a sad cause because it was never
worth the tears. Losing someone over something little is not
worth the pain to go through.
I know I am not a perfect person. I know I have problems and I do
not need to seek out the aid of a pill to change my mood. My
thinking is not linear, I can find other solutions to problems and
explore options. I may be in college and you may say it really
does not matter. You may have your street smarts, but how is that
going to get you anywhere you want to be? Good luck
with that, it can only take you so far. We all know that we
desire the best from life and I don't know if you live up to
that. I may not know exactly in what direction I would like to go
now, but at least I have more of option to find that something.
I am not going to sit here and dwell. You say how miserable my
life is going to be. That's fine, I am officially finished with
discussing you and you may still be dwelling on me. To each his
own, but if you are going to cut me out of your life be done and move
on. Obviously, you are the one who is the child here, I should not
have even relayed messages to you back and forth. I,
unfortunately, stooped to your level and played your game. I
should not have even bothered, I should have let it be. You
should too, if I am dead to you. How will you make my life a
living hell? Try as you must, I will come out above you and show
you who's the mature person in this battle you claim. You can
attempt to do anything to make me miserable. Is that all you have
to do? It's ok, do what you want as I have said before. A
more mature approach would be that you and I part ways. I
have. I hold no grudges, I realized that. If you hold
grudges forever, you've pretty much made your life a living hell.
To you I say, don't dwell, move on.
If ever in another lifetime, which you think is never, you find
it in your heart to forgive me, I could not. Your approach
to such a petty situation became too big. Now that is what I call
juvenile. You may physically be an adult, but you are still a
child inside too. I admit that I am not perfect and I know I have
problems. I may need to see a therapist, but I know I don't need
an outside source to aid me in happiness. Happiness should come
naturally, not artificially. I know for a fact I could not
forgive, not based on what happened in the duration of a night, but
simply because of the actions you decided to take. No chances
given, even then I still could not accept you as friend. If that
were to happen in another lifetime. To you I say, I am NOW
officially through.
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| Sometimes I wonder why I have friends who won't leave me alone. It used to
be so easy to ignore them but how can I now that they aren't too far from me? I
can deal with shutting off the phone but going beyond that means is too much for
me to handle. I understand that they care so much for my well being and I
appreciate that very much. I just cannot grasp the concept that you are there
for me all the time, every time. It scares me to know that you care for me so
much that you go beyond your means to know that I am okay. Yes, I am okay,
nothing happened last night. It was a beautiful evening but it ended too soon.
I am sorry for not clarifying my whereabouts exactly. I should've relayed the
message across all people, but that was my mistake. I will take the fall for
it. I'm sorry to be irate with you, but it comes to natural to me, although you
are very right to tell me what I did wrong. I am sorry to have pushed you away
but I was not in the mood to listen to you lecture me. The one thing I did not
want and I told you that. I push you away, you keep trying to reach me. All I
do is ignore you and as much as I deeply care for your concerns, I do not want to
hear them at this moment. Just let me be, for once, let me be. I know that you
are just trying to protect me, but please LET ME MAKE MY OWN MISTAKES and LET ME
TAKE THE FALL for them. I understand the world is supposed to be "big and
scary," but how am I supposed to know if I am smothered with protection? I can
only handle so much, sometimes you go beyond your limits. I know you may think
I haven't much knowledge with that, but I think I am capable of taking care of
myself. So please, hear my cry and give that independence I yearn for.
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| I hate Aunt Flo dropping by for the month. She's a nuisance, but I will have to deal with her for the years ahead...joy...
I started to have a meltdown and it keeps fluctuating from high to
low. I really can't stand it because I thought that part of me
was gone. Apparently, it has decided to creep up on me without
notice. I worry that I might have a psychological disorder but
that could be the psychological education getting into my head.
Sometimes I wonder if I should see a therapist, but then again I'm
afraid to set foot through the door. I know that's one of the
first steps in doing something or admitting to it.
Well, friends say there is nothing wrong, but you know damn well deep
inside something is causing you aching pains that lead to physiological
ones. As much as your friends know about you, they don't know the
pain you hold inside. That is because you choose to bottle those
emotions and let them build up until that cork on the bottle is ready
to explode. It's not a good thing to do because people crack and
let all their demons out in a fit of rage. I was there and I have
a feeling that I'm still there. I'm afraid to admit anything,
therefore, I hide what I am really feeling. I put up a facade
everyday to prevent any talking or pity from others. The one
thing I don't like is being the center of attention. I feel
crowded and trapped. I am the little girl curled up in a fetal
position sitting in the corner.
I want to be free from what is holding me back. It is hard to let
go and open up. I know that once you open up, you're supposed to
feel better. My problem is the suppression that I carry with
me. I find that telling people how I feel is a burden. When
they ask, I find an excuse for it, sometimes it works and most times,
it does not.
Just to my luck, my laptop breaks down on me. Now, I have to take
it back to CompUSA to figure what's wrong with it. Then, if it is
reformatted, I have to put everything back and some of the things on
their cannot be replaced, i.e. pictures. Another thing to add to
my pile of things to do today. This day was intended to be spent
with people, but like always, I have a back up plan or can formulate
one.
Just when I thought life was going so well, I get a boulder thrown onto
the path of my life. I'm stuck until I can find a way to move it
out of the way. I question myself, do I belong here? Are
these the right people for me? Is this the right environment for
me? I thought everything was going smoothly. I've grown to
love and appreciate this city. There is enough exploration for a
lifetime. Everything I thought I needed is here. Why do I
feel like I seem to be out of place? I believed life was set on
the right path and happiness was there everyday. We all have our
downs, I did and still do too. I'm not perfect, no one is.
It is the flaws that make a person worthy of knowing. Without
flaw, life would be boring and there would be no reason for improvement.
I just wished this would go away. Breaking through is not
easy. I thought I could get rid of this feeling in a day, I was
wrong. I want someone to hear my cry for help. Release me
from the pain I feel and hide inside. Get rid of the demons that
haunt me before I start inflicting external/physical pain.
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| Cheer up Emo kid(s)!
Apparently, this day has a mix of emotion. It was a very bipolar
day. From the ups and of course the downs. From mania to
depression, I could go on forever but I think I shall stop there.
I can't say I have a screwed up life. Everyone does in there own
way. People get so down and they signify there problems, but if
you think about it, someone has experienced what you are going through
at the moment. Don't feel so down. Yes, they say the world
tries to eat you alive, but that's because you let it. So take it
by the hand and shape it to your well-being.
This morning was a sad day. I went to my internship for the last
time. I did that damn thing. Just kidding, I did the usual
routine. I'll miss the playground, the swings, I'm glad I don't
have to push the kids on swings anymore. I love them dearly, I
wish I could place them in my pocket and take them home. We all
must move on, but I will never ever forget them and the staff.
Everyone has been so wonderful to me and I could not be anymore
greatful. You can make a difference in a child's life and at the
same time they make a difference in yours. I love reciprocal
learning.
After sadly departing from the center, I picked up Joe and headed to
the trailers for the sake of retrieving Travis. He wasn't ready,
procrastinator. (Love you though!) This part of the day was
the bipolar day. It was something else...
Travis is getting me Coach Scribble pillows. I can't wait!
So as time goes, I don't exactly record every little detail in a
day. It would kill imagination, some take it too far. Those
few just can not help themselves. Not everything has to be in a
perverted context. Everyone should sit back and relax.
Enjoy the moment for it may disappear.
I think I've said enough for the night, I got philosophical. It happens sometimes.
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| - Suspension Oooooooh, awwwwwwwwwe, I've finally decided to type some poo on this thing. Today is my last day here in UNF until the fall semester rolls around. I'll be on and off here in the summer, maybe. Can't wait to enjoy that much long awaited vacation.
I talked to Brian last night who is in Ohio for a week. That's a week too long. I love Travis to death but he was hogging the phone I got Brian so I never had a chance to talk to him until last night. I cried on the phone because I wish his butt was back here again. Come to think of it, I never cried for my former best friend when he was away. I cried once when with the X-best friend when I thought he was parting ways with me. Moving along, I do miss Brian dearly. He's not only the BEST damn friend in the world, but he's also my security blanket. Just knowing his presence is here makes me feel secure. I feel like a jello mold. Wobbling back and forth and side to side. Then again I am that jello mold. Har, har, har...So again, moving along, some people apparently had subscribed to me. I don't even know who the hell they are. Weird? Usually either no one reads this poo or no one subscribes. Eh, I don't prefer to go around "e-propping" people so there you have it.
Honestly, I don't have that many friends. That's a pretty sad thing, but the friends that I do have, have stuck by me forever. Those are the ones worth keeping in my pocket. Kidding about the pocket thing. I guess I am just insecure to go out there and put my self in the spotlight. I never want to be the center of attention. It scares me when everyone looks at me and I definitely don't want to be talked about in a negative way. If I do something that ruins me, I don't know what I could do. I would just rather be the girl who sits in the corner or just be a person who comes and goes. A life of solitude is fine by me. All I need is a dog, got that picked out and all, even the name. I just need $1500 to get one along with the baggage that comes with the doggy. I know that this dog will be spoiled, but definitely not lazy.
I think I have said enough. In a few minutes is my final. Yay for me... | | |
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